Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
