I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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