two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That accounts for only three of the penises
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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