I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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