Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
