Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
