I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
