Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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