Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
