pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
