FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
