I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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