Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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