Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
