he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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