Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
