I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
