Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
