So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize