i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
