There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
