Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
