I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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