Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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