just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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