I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
