If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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