i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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