Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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