Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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