DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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