My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
