she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
how drunk are you?
Several
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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