turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
