Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
