Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
