You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
