the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
