My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
