we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
