we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
