i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
