so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
