We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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