Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
