He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
