the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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