I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
