Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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