dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
