you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
