I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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